Beating the Beast

 

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For me depression is like not having any connection to the things others do - like not feeling better because my kid loves me, or my friends love me, even though I should, not being able to enjoy relaxing or working hard because no matter which I'm doing I feel deep down somewhere I should be doing something else.  Feeling like it would be so much easier to just find a way to end it all - I'm just too much trouble to everyone anyway and always mess things up. 
 
The worst thing about my depression is that it prevents me from feeling the love of anyone - my very loving husband, my son, my friends - anyone!  And then when I'm down and they try to help me, and I tell them I just don't feel loved, they get hurt and I feel even worse.
 
Depression is a curtain hanging in front of the horizon that obscures everything with the semi opaque dark grey feeling that nothing is worth trying or doing, because it's all meaningless anyway. 
 
Thankfully, I've learned that that's a lie - and can usually remember that it's a lie even when I'm deep in the pit trying to wrestle my way back up to the light.

 
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Revised: 04/02/05.

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